Taking Care of Daddy

Man, what a freaking week!

First, let me just tell you all, it did not begin well.

This was my first week back at work.

I began dreading Monday with a vengeance beginning on Friday.  By Sunday night I was literally in tears about having to leave my son to go back to work.

Thankfully, I knew I didn’t have to worry about Oliver because my dear friend Kathy was arriving on Sunday night to stay the week to take care of him.  Despite this, Monday was a really horrible day for me.  When I walked into my office and was greeted with, “Welcome back” by our Administrative Assistant,  I burst into tears and rushed into my office.

Words cannot even begin to quantify the pain my heart felt that day.

Tuesday I ended up having a migraine and was in bed for most of the morning.  The rest of the day I felt hung over; a side effect from the medication (Imitrex) I take.  But I was still able to spend some time with Kathy and Oliver, which helped my heart and spirit tremendously.

The rest of the week was pretty much uneventful.  Each day began with me dawdling while leaving the house, was filled with many phone calls to find out how my little guy was doing, and ended with me racing at breakneck speed to get home so I could spend some time with Oliver before we began his bedtime routine.

This week has made me realize how important it is for me to be able to spend time with my son.  I’m not sure what it would look like, but I really feel the need to find a way to be at home with Oliver, if even part-time.  I’m not sure how my employer will look upon that, but I guess if being with my son is important, it doesn’t really matter what they think.  Unfortunately my financial reality is such that I have to have an income.

Some of the thoughts running through my head are to find a commercial kitchen to work from to allow me to do more cakes.  This could easily be something I do in the evenings, after My Partner gets home from work and Oliver is in bed.  Another thought is creating a line of children’s sewn items that I would attempt to market to local boutiques (I was advised that the internet market is very much saturated).  Someone also suggested taking care of someone else’s child in my home to give me some extra income.

Again, not sure what, if anything, all this would look like in the end.  Just tossing ideas around in my head.  Maybe I’ll end up staying where I’m at, but it feels good to identify alternatives even if I’m not certain they’re viable.

What I am certain about is that Daddy needs to start taking care of himself.  It’s difficult to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.

Towards that end, I’m trying to get more sleep (mostly by going to bed earlier since Oliver is waking up a couple of times in the night).

I also joined my work’s Fitness Challenge.  Over the next 12 weeks, some of us are going to be trying to become more “fit” (defined however we personally choose).  I am focusing on reducing my body fat percentage by toning things up by eating more healthfully (with the help of Weight Watchers Online) and exercising more regularly.

Every Friday some of my colleagues and I are going to weigh in and have our body fat measured.

My starting point this week was 196 lbs and 22% body fat.  (That almost hurt putting that out there, but there ya go!)

I’m also going to try to stay for a Kickboxing class one of our teachers is going to teach at our school.  That combined with the walks I’m logging while attempting to tire out Oliver should help me with my goals.

Finally, we’re getting another visitor to help take care of us!  My dear friend Joan arrives tomorrow from Canada to spend time with us and take care of Oliver while Daddy and Papa are at work.  I can’t wait to see her and to have her meet Oliver.  He’s going to adore her!

Sleep Nazi

A little over two years ago, my friend, Fajima, had her first baby. I remember going over to visit her and the baby and being, well, annoyed, at all the rules she had for her little guy.

She and her husband never accepted an invitation to dinner after they had their first son due to his sleep schedule. Despite offering to make it an early dinner (which for us would be around 6pm) we could never get them to accept. I thought it was ridiculous that she would allow a child to change her life so much.

Fajima had read a lot about how important sleep is for baby’s. Of course, I knew it was important but I really thought she was taking it overboard. Not only did her little one have a sleep schedule, he had a “bedtime routine!” She began by giving him a bath, then reading him a book, and somewhere in there, breastfeeding until he was soundly asleep. Then she would swaddle him and put him in his crib in his darkened room. She’s gingerly tip-toe out of his room where she would scold me for breathing too loud.

Fajima and her husband came over to visit just after Oliver arrived. It was during the time I know call, “The Honeymoon.” That was when he was sleeping (what I thought was) quite a bit and generally a happy baby. She immediately noticed that my napping son was asleep in a bright room with the drapes pulled back. She advised that I might want to close the drapes to make it dark. In my infinite wisdom boundless ignorance responded, “I’m trying to get him used to sleeping in a variety of settings.”

She began to tell me about how important it was at this age to swaddle him and I smarted off with, “I know Fajima, I read the same book you did.”

In her usual gentle manner she laughed it off and smiled at me. Little did I know she was thinking, “Just wait my friend, just wait.”

I didn’t have to wait long.

The honeymoon ended at the beginning of this week. Mostly because I forced it to an end. See, I decided that since I was going back to work, I needed to get my son on a sleep schedule that would fit our lives. There was no way I would be able to survive getting up every couple of hours to feed our son, so I decided, based upon what I read and misunderstood, that Oliver wasn’t eating because he was hungry, but because it was a habit (this becomes true around 4-5 months, but isn’t necessarily true at 11 weeks of age!).

So, following the advice of the books (for a 4-5 month old), I began weaning Oliver off his nighttime bottles and was beginning to train (just the thought of that now makes me laugh!) him to self-soothe (again, possible at 4-5 months, not probable at 11 weeks!). I decided the “cold turkey” method was the best because we didn’t have a lot of time until I went back to work. So I began to let Oliver “cry it out” in an attempt to get him to self-soothe (man, just saying it out loud makes me feel so guilty!).

Needless to say, things didn’t go according to how the book had laid it out. He didn’t calm down, didn’t self-soothe, and certainly didn’t go back to sleep. On the contrary, his little, under-developed nervous system was so wired up that even when I could calm him down, he didn’t stay asleep because of his flailing arms and legs (man, do I sound like an ogre or what?!).

For those that don’t know, the less a baby sleeps, the less a baby sleeps. So after not having slept at night, Oliver was impossible to get to take a nap. He’d sleep for 15 minutes or so and then he’d wake up crying, despite having been fed and changed. I was trying to follow what the books had said (again, for 4-5 month olds) about not allowing him to sleep in the car and/or in the stroller. So I wasn’t going anywhere and was beginning to feel stranded in the house.

After a couple of sleepless nights (and days!), I relented and called Fajima (actually, it was all I could do to keep from calling her in the middle of the night before, in tears!).

She calmly explained what she had learned and implemented with her sons (she now has two) and what she believed to be valuable from the books I’d read and added to it with information from the books she’s read (which is FAR greater than the number I’ve read).

Fajima told me that Oliver was too young to be on a schedule; that at this age my job was to help him sleep whenever he wanted, no matter what.  I could rock him, walk with him, whatever!  She said, GASP!, that he could even sleep in the car or in the stroller!

By the end of the phone call, I was beginning to feel a little bit of hope and most importantly the pressure I had been putting on myself to get my son onto a schedule before I went back to work was gone.  Kaput.  Fini!  It was SO liberating!

So, yesterday, after his morning nap, Oliver and I went to visit friends.  He napped in the car.  We got to our friends and he was happy and good-spirited.  Then he napped in the car on the way to Fajima’s house.  Not only did he nap, he slept for almost 2.5 hours, the longest nap EVER!  I was actually becoming concerned that either he wouldn’t sleep that night or that something was wrong with him.  Luckily I had Fajima right there to restrain me from waking him up.

Soon it was time to go and he napped again on the way home!  And continued that nap until he’d slept for another hour and a half.  But then I was sweating bullets that he wasn’t going to sleep that night because he was within 2 hours of his normal bedtime.

Despite this, we continued with our nighttime routine (I heard that laugh!) of a bottle, a bath, ]a massage, a bedtime book, swaddling, and finally his nuk and cuddling/rocking.  Then I put him to bed and hoped for the best.

After a quiet dinner with My Partner, I headed up to bed to read some of the materials Fajima had lent me.  By 9:15 I was reading with one eye so I decided to go to sleep, fully expecting to be awoken around 10ish as had become the pattern with a baby I couldn’t console.

I awoke with a start at around midnight.  Had I slept through his cries?!  Had something worse happened?!   I jumped out of bed and walked into his room.  I could hear his breathing so he seemed fine.  I thought perhaps I’d gotten up and taken care of him without remembering or perhaps My Partner had done it when I didn’t rouse.  Regardless, I went back to bed, still confused about what had happened.

I woke with a start again at 4:05am.  Now surely there was something amiss.  This kid could NOT have slept that long without some sort of problem or intervention.  I went into his room to check.  Yep, still breathing.  No evidence of a nighttime feeding to be found anyway.  At least I wasn’t sleep-feeding.  So I went back to bed.

Finally, around 4:30am, I heard his wee little protests.  Not a cry, more like some grunting and some calling out to see who’s around to lend a hand.  I went downstairs, prepared his bottle, fed him, and got him back to bed.  With no objections!  We actually fell asleep while I was trying to swaddle him, before I’d had a chance to rock him!

I was totally expecting his usual 6ish wake up cries, and when I woke up at 7am you could have knocked me over with a feather (except that I was already laying down).

Little Man slept until 8am!  He woke up in such a sweet little mood.  No cries.  Nothing but smiles and giggles.

Now, I’m not fool enough to think this is his new pattern.  But I can’t even tell y’all how relieved I am to have gotten an almost-full night’s sleep!  And the hope and sense of relief I feel is immense.

So to Fajima, the Sleep Nazi, all I have to say is, “Heil Hitler!”

Welcome Baby!

No, it’s not a welcome for my baby, but it was still pretty special! MonkeyGurl commissioned me to make a cake for a friend’s baby shower (She asked before Oliver came, and, well, it’s expensive having a kid, so I agreed to make it for her even after he arrived.).

The only details I was given was that Dad was a huge Mets fan (who doesn’t love some soccer?!) and Mom loves to read. Oh, and that she wanted the baby to be wearing some Harry Potter glasses.

Seeing as I have not the ability to come up with my own ideas, I used Aine’s wonderful
topper (She sells the tutorials in case you want to make one for yourself or a friend!) as a guide and went from there.

I was extremely pleased with how the cake turned out and even more happy when MonkeyGurl called to tell me (she sent MonkeyMan to pick it up) how much she loved the cake and that it surpassed her expectations.

Always a great to get that positive feedback.

Maybe the next baby cake I’ll be doing will be for Oliver (although that won’t happen until the adoption is finalized in 5-6 months).

Why I Put Myself Out There

I often get asked why I wear my sexuality like “a badge” (Which of course means I don’t hide it. When my heterosexual friends/coworkers talk about their families or have their photos on their desks, it goes unnoticed and taken for granted. But when I talk about my partner or put his photo on my desk, I’m flaunting my sexuality.)

The following is part of the reason (the other part being I love being the center of attention!) why I refuse to be quieted about my life (notice I didn’t say “lifestyle”! It’s a life, not a lifestyle!).

I got this message from someone who reads about my life, my partner, and our struggle to continue building a family.

Ok, I have to tell you something, it’s not meant to be awkard, or mean, or otherwise. You are inspirational to me. All of my life I have been taught religiously and personally against same sex relationships. I have been taught that children need both a mother and a father. But I have to tell you something, your relationship with your partner, and with Oliver, has opened my eyes to a whole new bucket of feelings. Your capacity to love, and the open hearted and armed way that you take on the world as your own has shown me the err in my ways, and to you I must apologize.
BRAVO I say, you’re doing a fabulous job!! If you or your little fella should need anything, please let me know! I’d gladly, were I closer, hold him close, smell baby smell and rock him for a night while you slept, because the most treasured and missed thing in my life is the smell of a baby (that’s the hysterectomy woman in me speaking ROFL)
Again, I sure hope I didn’t offend or hurt you, I mean to only PRAISE you and congratulate and offer nothing but love and glad tidings, for YOU are an example for the world!!!!

That’s what gives me hope for the future and that one day, Oliver’s family won’t seem any different than anyone else’s family.

Week 1

I cannot believe that as of about 3:20pm tomorrow it will have been 1 week since Oliver came home! In some respects it seems like just yesterday, and then in others it has just flown by!

I guess my body is acclimating to the chopped up nights because tonight after eating dinner my first instinct wasn’t to flop into bed (although I do feel that urge quickly approaching!). So before my one good eye (When I was still living in Wisconsin and going to cosmetology school (which is how I know Lori), I was living with my parents and driving an hour each way. Class began at 8am which required me to leave at about 6:30 or so (especially in winter!). There was many a time when I’d get out of my car after either arriving at school or returning home that I wouldn’t remember a single thing about the drive! My strategy was to make one eye stay awake while the other eye slept. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to cooperate much because I remember having to give some rather terse talkings-to to both eyes at one point or another. ) closes, I’ll give a recap of Daddy’s First Week.

Oliver is SUCH a good baby and is normally (if 7 days can establish ‘normal’). I’m sure you can see from all the photos that he almost always has a smile on his face! Even the handful of times the kid has blown his fuse, he’s done so with a smile on his face. It’s incredible.

He wakes at 7am each morning looking forward to breakfast but still wearing a smile. He’s currently on a 3-hour feeding schedule and isn’t embarrassed to let me know when time is up (although I’m pretty mindful of his feeding times, true be told). He naps on-and-off during the day, with longer naps in the late morning and mid-afternoon.

Our evening routine is to give him his bath and massage, followed by his bottle. He’s normally sleeping by about 7 or 7:30 and will wake at midnight and 4am for a diaper change and a bottle.

He’s even easy when I change up our ‘routine’ (such that it is). Today we spent a great deal of time in the car running errands and as such he got a great deal of sleeping time in. Despite that, I had to keep waking him up when giving him his nighttime bottle. Last Friday we ran to Tar-jhay, and while there I needed to feed him. So we went into Starbucks to get a coffee (for me) and a cup of hot water to heat up his bottle. Unfortunately it was too loud so I ended up feeding him in the terrace outside. Despite the busses passing, honking cars, and crazy woman talking into her bra, My Little Man was a good sport, sucked down his bottle, and gave Daddy a big, ole burp.

Tuesday night was a bit scary (and long) as I clearly didn’t understand what Oliver needed to sleep. I spent half the night rocking him, a quarter of the night trying to calm him down after thoroughly pissing him off by trying to put him in bed, and the other quarter sleeping on his rug using a stuffed bear as a pillow and a receiving blanket to cover me up with him nestled between my arm and my chest.

Wednesday we had to go to the cardiologist to follow-up on a heart murmur they heard when he was born. The EKG and ultrasound showed that he has an innocent heart murmur which he will likely outgrow. (WHEW!)

Wednesday night was much better because I figured out that My Little Guy prefers to be swaddled. We both got much more sleep that night!

Thursday was spent entirely at home with most of that being spent in the garden acclimating Theron to Oliver.

Friday was our trip to Tar-jhay (which Oliver seemed to love as much as I did!). And I swear on all that is precious, within 1 minute of walking into Target, he got one, “Wow is he cute!” and one, “Hay que bonito!” I.SWEAR! (Unfortunately I needed to use the automatic door to get my big-head out of the store after that! )

Saturday was spent entertaining the myriad visitors to came to see Oliver. Saturday night was a dinner party at our neighbor’s house. I was a bit nervous because I was just beginning to understand his schedule and here we were going to toss it to the wind and keep him out after his established bed time.

Turns out My Kid is SUPERCOOL and not only loves dinner parties, but will fall asleep ANYWHERE! There were like 12 of us around the table and he decided it was time to sleep and didn’t budge for like an hour.

Thankfully there weren’t any ill effects that night or the next day.

Sunday was spent much like Saturday except that we were the ones doing much of the visiting.

And finally, that leaves us with today. We were all over creation today and Oliver spent much of his time sleeping. But, as I said, Mr. Cool had to be awoken to finish his bottle. Here’s hoping tonight is as peaceful as the previous six five (we’ll forget that first night happened!).

THANK YOU all for your kind words and comments. I love to respond to all the comments that are left, but for obvious reasons, it’s more difficult for me to do it. Please know that I read and value every one that is left. I usually think of some witty comment to reply with but am usually distracted by this smile!

A Dream Come True!

Wow, what a 48 hours! Talk about a learning curve! Egads.

Things are going great. I can’t believe how quickly the time goes though. Seems like I just put him down for a nap and start to do something (usually laundry!) and he’s awake again. And I can’t keep my eyes and hands off him, so I don’t get squat done.

But I’m heeding everyone’s advice and enjoying it while he’s young. I can see now this is definitely going to go fast!

K, this daddy is D-E-A-D! Time for beddy bye… I’ll be up in 3 hours…

And loving it!

He’s Here!

Sorry, too busy to post.

To see pics of Oliver, go look here.

Preparations

As of Friday afternoon, we didn’t have squat in this house to take care of a 3-month-old.As of right now, we do not need a single thing! And all due to the generosity and kindness of friends (well, almost all).

My pal Allison gave us so much stuff to care for our wee one. Everything from clothing (TONS of clothing! And well-organized clothing!), to bottles and a bottle warmer, to swings (yes, two swings! One normal-sized and one portable!), to a baby seat. That right there put us off to a very good start.

Then I picked up an amazing deal on Craigslist: an infant car seat, with two bases AND a stroller.

As if that wasn’t enough, our dear friend Marguerite gave us a mountain of clothing, bibs, crib sheets, and shoes (CUTE little shoes!). All of these are things that are destined to be donated to orphanages in the Ivory Coast but which will have a layover at our house.

Now THAT is a mountain of stuff! And that’s not even 1/3 of it; much of it is still in boxes awaiting our little guy to grow into it!

Today was spent washing (OH.MY.GAWD! THE LAUNDRY! And he’s not even here yet!) and organizing everything. We also made our way to Target to get the few things we didn’t have (a monitor system, a changing pad, and whatever this is called.).

We are set! I can’t think of a single thing that we urgently need or will need until our little guy (sniffle) is about a year older (maybe a Johnny Jump-Up thingie. But that’s it!).

Our friend Marie is visiting from France and her time with us just happened to overlap with all this. It has been so great having her smiling face to help us out, encourage us, and also to calm us down. She spent a good portion of the day helping My Partner with various tasks.

My dear friend Joan sent two quilts a few months ago in anticipation of us getting two children. Now that we know we’re only getting one, we kept one and she gave the other to Makende.

Isn’t it amazing?! She combined parts of a panel (the rabbit squares) with machine-embroidered squares and the most gorgeous batik. I’m can’t wait to wrap my little guy up in it and Makende could hardly contain her excitement for her quilt. There’s also something really special about knowing that my little guy and Makende have similar quilts, especially since they are definitely going to grow up as “siblings”.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends.

I leave you with some parting shots of our little guy’s room and closet.

 

Now there’s only one thing missing.

Up And Down, Up And Down

Jeez, I cannot believe the last 24 hours of my life!

When I last left you I was on Cloud 9 because we were getting a baby.  (I don’t think I mentioned that yesterday, but yes, he is a baby (he’ll be 3 months old on Sunday, and he’s a ‘he’ and he’s only one).  That’s all I can say right now.)

My Partner has been the epitome of cuteness since we found out.

I was out walking Theron when he got home so he called and said, “Where are you Daddy?  I want to celebrate!”   We ended up going over to our dear friends’ house to open a bottle of champagne (when I told My Partner that we shouldn’t go over there because she needed to grade final exams, he responded, “I don’t care!  I want to celebrate!”  So we went.).

During dinner with them we decided on a name and talked about all the things we’re going to need to raise a baby.

While we were laying in bed later that night, we were both imagining what the little guy looks like, what his personality is going to be like (He’s a scorpio, I’m a taurus, and My Partner is a leo.  That’s gonna be a fun household!), and all the things I imagine all parents-to-be talk and dream about.

This morning, after a prescription drug-induced sleep (nothing illegal going on here Mr. Social Worker, move along.) I floated to work and shared the news with the coworkers I’m friends with.

Around 1ish I still hadn’t heard from HH (notice the foreshadowing by me using his nickname rather than ‘our social worker’!), so I called him.  Of course I got his voicemail.

He called back surprisingly quickly only to tell me he didn’t have any more info than he had last night.  Understandable as we’re not his only case and he’s “very busy”.   He promised to call us back if he was able to connect with the baby’s social worker or the placement worker (the social worker for the adoption process).

He called back an hour or so later and began with, “Frank, I need to tell you something.  Please listen to what I have to say before you respond.”

Did anyone else just gasp?  Because I did at the time!

Apparently he was able to connect with the placement worker and she had decided that she wanted to give the foster mom who is currently taking care of the baby time to “say goodbye” and was going to allow her to keep him until at least the 12th of February, a week later than he told us yesterday.

This didn’t make any sense to me, seeing as yesterday they were concerned because the foster mom (who has had the baby for a month) had expressed her desire to adopt the baby.  (Unfortunately she isn’t licensed for adoption, only fostering.)

My Partner and I both told HH yesterday that we didn’t feel comfortable being in a situation where we were “taking away” a baby from someone who was equally qualified as we were.  HH assured us that she wasn’t currently qualified and that if we passed him up, they would contact the next family on the list because their goal was to remove him from his foster placement into a qualified adoptive home.  He also said there is a slight risk of her showing up at the next court date to express to the judge her desire to adopt him and claiming to have a ‘bond’ with the baby. Despite this he didn’t feel there was a very good chance of this happening.
Being somewhat reassured, we decided to say that we would take him.

But now they were giving her time to “say goodbye”.  I told him I was missing a piece of logic.  If they were worried about her claiming to have a bond with this child, how would giving her another week lessen that claim?  It just didn’t make sense.

Then he said, “We need to consider the feelings of the foster mother.”

My retort was that we were trained and taught throughout this process that the feelings and lives of the adults are secondary to the “best interest of the child.”

If it were an older child, one who had made a connection with the foster mom, I would understand and totally support giving both of them time to separate.  But right now he’s an eating/pooping machine.  I don’t know that he’s going to know the difference between who is feeding him and changing his shitty diapers. (Do I sound like a heartless jerk?!)

Despite all this, he said that was the way it was going to work right now and that it was out of his control but he understood how I was feeling.

Unfortunately I took that opportunity to explain that he didn’t have any idea how I was feeling and that despite his years of being a social worker he hasn’t yet experienced what it is like to go through this process as a potential adoptive parent and to save the lecture about how uncertain and emotional the adoptive process is because I had been living it for the last year and to please not tell me again to be flexible because I think I’ve been as flexible as any human with a pulse could have been throughout this process! (I think I may have taken a breath in there somewhere when I was actually talking to him.)

We hung up after he told me there wasn’t anything he could do right now (which was likely true, but difficult to admit at the time)

(Strike one up as another conversation with HH that didn’t go so well.)

So I sat in tears at my desk wondering if this extra time was going to result in the foster mom somehow fighting for adoptive right or if I had somehow jinxed it all by celebrating and calling all my friends and blogging about it.

Just as I was about to pick up the phone to call back my social worker (notice the foreshadowing?!), my caller id again showed him on the phone.  I started by telling him I was about to call him to apologize and he said, “You don’t need to apologize, I know exactly how you feel.”

And of course I couldn’t leave well enough alone and had to say, “You do know know how I feel.  You might understand it, but you don’t know it.”

He ignores me and continues and says he had spoken to the placement worker again and that she had called the foster mother to tell her they were going to remove the baby but that they were going to give her time to say goodbye.  The foster mother responded that if they were going to take him, she didn’t want to prolong it and wanted him out as soon as they could.

So he’s coming home to us on Tuesday, February 5.

As of right now.  I’ll believe it when I’m holding him in my arms.